i love accidental penises.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
