he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
