Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
