I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize