I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
