if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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