there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My pussy is not your playground.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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