Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
