My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
