woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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