Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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