i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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