hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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