On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
