what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
