I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I skipped work to stalk him.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
