I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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