I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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