rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
