I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
