Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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