I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
