I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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