you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
