I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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