Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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