I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
