it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
