i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
