I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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