It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
