i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
