Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
