Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
