if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
