Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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