we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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