Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
