did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize