My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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