I just pynch a tree in the face
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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