Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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