babies were throwing up all over the place
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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