Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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