see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
