if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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