i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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