I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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