I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
