best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize