You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
