I feel great
I just peed on a car
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
