A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
