I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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