My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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