i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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