Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
