Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
