So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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