he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
