You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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